Six Months On

Grace left us six months ago today. I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that she is no longer around. To be honest I’m not sure that I’ll ever fully come to terms with that.

Looking back over these past six months, I know that I am not the same person that I was so what have I learned about myself and what have I learned about coping with losing the person I love the most?

What do I know? Not a lot but…..

  • I’m not sure whether it actually gets any easier, but the nature of grief changes over time.
  • I’m glad that Grace and I had time to say goodbye to each other. How people who lose a partner unexpectedly cope I have no idea.
  • I still sometimes expect/hope to hear the front door open and a voice to shout up the stairs “Hi Johnnie, I’m home.”
  • Sleeping is still a problem.
  • I haven’t got used to going to bed on my own or waking up to find the other half of the bed empty ; especially when I wake up at three in the morning.
  • I can find all sorts reasons/distractions to avoid going to bed, the internet is probably the best most effective.
    • Likewise box sets.
  • Cooking is very therapeutic.
  • Remembering what mum used to do, cooking four or six portions of something and freezing the surplus is just as easy, probably easier in fact; than cooking a single portion.
  • Remembering what mum didn’t always do, labeling what I am freezing avoids mum’s mystery soup roulette.
  • Big decisions can be made incredibly quickly.
  • Small decisions can take forever.
  • Changing the cover on a duvet is an awful lot easier when there are two of you.
  • Folding the sheets was more fun when I got a kiss when we brought the ends together.
  • A glass or two of wine can help take the edge of things.
    • Too much alcohol does not help at all.
  • Having been my only car for the past two months, I now understand why Grace loved her Little Lilac Car so much, and point-blank refused to even think about trading it in for something newer.
  • gracecar
    Little Lilac Car
  • Something about it brings a smile to my  face – maybe because it says “Hello, Happy to see you” when I put the key in the ignition.
  • Using a shopping list can sometimes prevent me arriving home with a basket containing beer, biscuits and crisps, but lacking bread, milk and toilet paper.
  • I still have no idea what to do with most of Grace’s things.
  • When I do find the right person for something of Grace’s it makes me extremely happy.
  • It took a while before I could go out and enjoy myself without feeling guilty.
    • That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that Grace could be there to share the fun.
  • If the tears come, it’s usually because of a happy memory, and happy memories far outnumber any other kind.
  • While losing Grace was and is the central feature in my life, I have to accept that others, while I am sure they miss Grace, do have their own lives and priorities.
  • Probably only people who have lost a long-term partner fully understand what I’m going through.
  • I am glad that I kept on working part-time, even though I didn’t need to financially.
    • I can always give the extra money away
  • I don’t know if another relationship would be a good idea or not.
    • But definitely not at the moment, maybe in a couple of years time.

This is sort of where I am six months on. Life goes on around me, even if, at times I wish that there was a pause button that I could press. The only way  that I can see to get through all of this is to walk on through it. I don’t see any short-cuts or bypasses. I’m not sure that I would want them even if they existed. I cope most of the time. Being able to talk about Grace and write about Grace really does help.