It’s a question that most of us get asked half a dozen times per day. The normal answer is “Fine”, “Not too bad” or a similar non answer. I don’t always find it an easy question to answer anymore. When someone who doesn’t know me asks I’ll still give the standard non-answer. It’s when someone close who knows my situation asks it I find it difficult, in fact, I find it difficult to ask myself the question.
It`s now just over four months since Grace passed away and the short answer I suppose is “I’m coping, but some days I cope better than others.”
It’s little things that throw me. Like, a few weeks ago. I had bought some flowers to put on Grace`s grave and the man behind me in the queue made a joke about “Had a row with the wife then?” All I could think was “If only” before dissolving into a puddle of tears. Or looking for something in the wardrobe and finding her “Huggy Bear” warmer, that kept her warm when she was putting up with the side effects of chemotherapy.
My birthday turned out to be surprisingly OK. Yes I missed being woken with a tickle, “Happy birthday Johnnie” a birthday card and present. Grace always planned something interesting and exciting for us to do, like a trip along the Regent’s canal on a narrow boat or a day trip to Paris or an art exhibition and lunch at the Tate. I missed all of that.
My friend Toby (aka Lord Wallington) and I share a birthday – though he will point out that he is eleven years younger than me. He and his family had a barbecue to celebrate and invited me along. It turned what could have been a strange, sad and lonely evening into a very pleasant one. Good friends definitely help.
Family does as well. I am writing this on the train to Scotland to see my brother and sister. On the Saturday before my birthday my other sister, brother in law and my niece had a lovely day down in Brighton. One of Grace’s instructions to me was that I should take all of my and her brothers and sisters to her favourite restaurant Terre a Terre and that “she would pay”. We had a lovely veggie meal followed by a walk along the prom and the pier, where my adrenaline junkie niece wanted to go on everything but was partially dissuaded by her mum and dad.
So did being asked to do a Facebook #spousechallenge which involved posting a photo of yourself and your partner on your timeline every day for a week. I found going through all the photos of myself and Grace a cathartic experience.
So yes I’m coping, I can go out and enjoy myself without feeling guilty, even if especially, at Terre a Terre, we all missed Grace. Sometimes the evenings can get a bit lonely. I will always love her and will always miss her and there will almost certainly be other unexpected things that will reduce me to tears, but that’s OK. I’ll cope.